Gender Identities Offer A Familiar Place To Begin
Gender Identities Offer A Familiar Place To Begin
By Laurie Levin
Certified Health Coach and Educator, www.everydayhealthier.tsfl.com
Even though the world at times may seem disheartening, it is so important for each of us to continue on our own personal journey and not disconnect from our hearts and from one another. Difficult times are a sign that it is time to turn in a new direction.
Because of the vastness of the challenges we face world-wide, what is needed today is change at our very core. It is from this place—how each of us defines our identity and our place in the world--that we make all of our decisions.
While we look in a new direction, it is important to remember that in every time and place, a culture will appear normal to its members. Betty Friedan challenged what we called ‘normal’ in 1963 with her ground-breaking and controversial book, The Feminine Mystique. The “mystique” Friedan spoke of was the limited belief held by most that women belonged in the home and were defined by their husbands and children.
As so many of us women came to understand, it was a belief that once held, was hard to shake off.
The companion mystique was that men’s identity was to be found almost entirely in their economic success, sexual conquests and athletic ability.
It is nearly half a century since The Feminine Mystique was published. When I first revisited these gender-defined identities, I automatically thought, “Oh, they are outdated.” And then I stopped and thought, well, maybe not.
There is no question that today women have many more options. They can have children or not, run a business, climb the corporate ladder, stay home and raise a family or lead a government, and by and large these choices are respected by both women and men.
Are there still remnants of the feminine mystique Friedan described? Yes. Are women today defined entirely by men and children? Not so much.
The masculine mystique, however, has changed very little. Money, sex, athletics—men still define themselves by competing in these areas, which are as limiting as the feminine mystique was for women. These arenas alone are simply not meaningful pursuits, points out Frank Pittman, author of Man Enough.
According to Pittman, “men fight for turf and wrestle for control over people and things, whether through war, armed robbery or corporate takeovers. They are trying to feel like men but no matter what they do, they never seem to feel man enough. Masculinity is an artificial state, a prize to be won by fierce struggle.”
Coach Joe Ehrmann, a former NFL star, high school football coach and inspirational speaker, would agree. He fervently feels our sons are raised without the human dimension and the problems we face today are as a result of this. Boys are not raised to understand their feelings, says Ehrmann, and “if you don’t understand your feelings then you won’t be able to understand love—critical for having empathy.”
And of course empathy—understanding another’s pain—is the basis for a fair society.
What I am convinced of is that—in order for a society to be truly great, two things must occur. The masculine identity must change and women must embrace their rightful place as equal partners in the world. Until this occurs, we will continue to see the problems of today--corporate greed, economic and environmental disasters, violence, and poverty—continue and worsen.
As each of us has a tremendous stake in this, we must each look to see where we play a part. I believe gender identity is the place to begin.
Back in the post-Friedan, Women’s Liberation days, many women and men consciously raised their daughters differently. Little girls were given a wider variety of toys to play with including bats and balls and science kits, along with dolls and arts and crafts. Dressing them in pink pinafores alone was on its way out. Daughters were encouraged to dream of being anything they wanted.
And yet those same parents continued to raise sons traditionally, for fear they would not be able to take their place in society. The sight of their little boy not participating in sports or being ‘one of the guys’, preferring a doll to a truck, made even enlightened parents uneasy.
This is why the feminine mystique of the 1960s is much less prevalent than the male mystique today. Parents transformed the lives of their daughters, while keeping their son’s lives limited and unfulfilling in a world that no longer needed a lion slayer or sole bread winner.
So how do we raise our sons differently? And will it work?
It worked for Joe Ehrmann. As a football coach his Baltimore high school team’s training was a kind of ‘Men 101’ course. He focused on teaching these young men about relationships and the responsibilities they had to one another, to make them work and endure challenges, on and off the field.
Ehrmann’s team was undefeated for several years running.
“Masculinity, first and foremost, ought to be defined in terms of the capacity to love and be loved,” Ehrmann says.
Just as we’ve taught our daughters to be relationship-savvy, we can do this for our sons. We can teach our sons to feel their emotions and positively acknowledge them as they express them. We can share the importance of quality in their relationships, modeling it for them (dads in particular), no longer limiting love, care and compassion to the female species, and no longer defining and limiting boys to their athletic abilities. We must respect and honor boys and men who respect and care for others. No longer can half the world’s population be limited to power-seeking pursuits.
We must also teach them to respect and honor women. We can tell them clearly that when they—or when musicians, journalists, TV and movie stars—call women by names like slut or ho or bitch, women are denigrated and dismissed. When they allow those names to be used without objection, they are allowing their mothers, sisters, grandmothers and aunts to be denigrated and dismissed.
At the same time, women must choose new options that do not reinforce the status quo. While opportunities have certainly increased for women, many of our most important choices are no different than the choices our mothers and grandmothers made.
Most women give up their name in marriage, take their husband’s name and pass it along to their children, after a marriage ceremony where they are ‘given away’ from father to husband. We still refer to women as ‘girls’ when these women are well beyond childhood. For the most part, women do not call it ‘work’ when they take care of home and children and far too often, women can be heard calling other women names like slut, ho and bitch.
As these practices and choices are part of the same culture that has brought about tremendous changes for women, they seem normal, yet they are no different than the very limiting aspects of the feminine mystique we dismantled over the past 5 decades.
When these changes occur, the masculine identity as we know it today will cease being that “artificial prize” Dr. Pittman described. Women, their work, their bodies and lives will be valued and respected. As a result, we will create women and men who expect less of one another based on gender and more on their ability to love and care.
And before too long, we will be heartened, instead of disheartened, by the news of the day as we live in a world where love, care and compassion become the dominate forces of our lives.
Laurie Levin is a Certified Health Coach and Educator, Licensed HeartMath® Stress Reduction Trainer and Health Coach with Take Shape For Life. She offers a proven, well-researched approach to quick and safe weight loss of 15-25 lbs/month. Visit her site www.everydayhealthier.tsfl.com. Click on ‘Watch a video’ and scroll down until you see ‘Achieving Optimal Health’, an 8-min DVD on the program. Laurie also knows stress reduction and managing emotions are key components of optimal health and teaches the leading stress reduction tools and technology. Laurie has an MBA and has spent 25 years in Corporate America. She is a passionate speaker, writer and mother dedicated to supporting children, adults and organizations achieve optimal health, productivity and happiness. Call (636) 233-3330 to learn about her free 40-minute course, Take Control of Your Health.